Playing in casinos is no joke; players bet from simple wagers to millions of dollars. However, in its purest form, gambling is still a form of entertainment and as such, should be treated accordingly—with grace, respect, and most of all, fun. Take a breather and enjoy the following gambling jokes:
A Serious Affair
While Doctor Miller is drinking his coffee at home, he hears his phone ringing. He answers and hears the familiar voice of his colleague, calling him for a game of poker. ‘I’ll be right over’, said doctor Miller quietly, and he went to put on his coat. Mrs. Miller walks right to him and asks worriedly: ‘Is it serious?’. The doctor replies: ‘Oh, yes, it’s quite serious. There are three doctors there already waiting for me!’
Pack Your Things
Sherman rushes to his house back from the casino. From the door he yells at his wife: ‘Samantha, pack your things. I just won a million pounds out of a slot machine!’ Excited, Samantha replies: ‘Oh yes, finally, we’re going on vacation? Should I pack for warm weather or cold?’ Her husband looks at her and says, ‘I don’t care wherever you want to go! You can go to the North Pole if you want, as long as you’re out of the house by noon!’
Got asked to leave the casino the other night. They said I had a chip on my shoulder.
Gambling Jokes for Fans
I’m going to an ABBA themed poker night. The winner takes it all.
A Good Boy
A man walks into a bar and notices a poker game at the far table. Upon inspecting, he sees a dog sitting at the table. This piques his curiosity and he walks closer and sees cards and chips in front of the dog. Then the next hand is dealt with and cards are dealt to the dog. Then the dog acts in turn with all the other players, calling, raising, discarding, everything the other human players were doing.
However, none of the other players seemed to pay any mind to the fact that they were playing with a dog, they just treated him like any other player. Finally, the man could no longer hold his tongue so between hands he quietly said to one of the players, “I can’t believe that dog is playing poker, he must be the smartest dog in the world!” The player smiled and said, “He isn’t that smart, every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail.”
The Logic Man
A blackjack dealer and a player with thirteen counts in his hand were arguing about whether it was appropriate to tip the dealer.
The player said, “When I get bad cards, it’s not the dealer’s fault. Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously had nothing to do with it so why should I tip him?” The dealer said, “When you eat out, do you tip the waiter?” “Yes.” “Well then, he serves you food, I’m serving you cards so you should tip me.”
“OK, but the waiter gives me what I ask for… I’ll take an eight.”
My wife has left me because I am a compulsive gambler. I’d do anything to win her back.
During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, “Bartender, I’d like to buy the house a round of drinks.”
The bartender said, “That’s fine, but we’re in the middle of the Depression, so I’ll need to see some money first.”
So, he pulled out a huge wad of notes and set them on the bar. The bartender can’t believe what he’s seeing. “Where did you get all that money?” asked the bartender.
“I’m a professional gambler,” replied the man.
The bartender said, “There’s no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?”
“Well, I only bet on sure things,” said the guy.
“Like what?” asked the bartender.
“Well, for example, I’ll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye,” he said.
The bartender thought about it. “Okay,” he said.
So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. “Aw, you screwed me,” said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.
“I’ll give you another chance. I’ll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye,” said the stranger.
The bartender thought again and said, “Well, I know you’re not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I’ll take that bet.” So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.
I put a thousand pounds on a horse. The whole thing collapsed.
I found a way to keep my husband from gambling. I just spend the money first.
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